Tuscan Whole Milk

For some reason, Amazon.com is now selling food (in conjunction with local supermarkets). People have been submitting reviews. Here are some of the funnier reviews of Tuscan Whole Milk

Mario Luigi:

People tell me milk does a body good. For years, I’ve been using mushrooms to get tall, flowers to blow fire, feathers to grow tails. You know the drill. Well, this morning I tried something different. Tuscan Whole Milk. Right away, I noticed the difference. One sip made me grow in places I’ve never grown before. Screw the koopas, I’m going to Vegas to become a pole dancer.


I was looking for a nice birthday gift for my 18 year old son and thought that a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk would be perfect. I had this flown in by plane, little did I know that the milk would escape! It was terrible! There was milk on a plane! Luckily my friend Sam Jackson was on board and saved the day, but not before the milk could claim 8 victims. Long story short I am now convicted of conspiracy to unleash milk on a plane and now my son hates me. Thank you Tuscan Whole Milk!

Genome Soldier #43 “Twiggy”:

I was a guard for the nuclear disposal facility on Shadow Moses Island a few years back, and there was this uprising. I didn’t want to go along with it, but then Liquid Snake gave me some Tuscan Whole Milk and it blew my mind. He said that he could only get it through special channels. Turns out you can order it off the internet! Lying dead idiot… I did give him some after he crashed that Hind D though, and then again when Snake busted up Metal Gear… and when Liquid fell off the top of REX… but I didn’t follow him when he took off in that jeep. Turns out he died then. Should have brought his milk…

Also, they originally tried making Metal Gear so it ran on Tuscan Whole Milk, but they couldn’t contain the reaction or soemthing. I’m no physicist.

R. Roseannadanna “Roseanne”:

I,Roseanne Roseannadanna, had 90 percent of my right arm ripped off in a tragic soup can machine accident. As I have no health insurance at the can factory, I gave my stump a 30-minute soak in Tuscan Whole Milk and was amazed that not only did my right arm and hand grow back, but my once brittle, yellowed nails are now long, strong and beautiful. I highly recommend this product.

Marty McFly:

Well you aren’t going to believe this, but this milk literally solved the biggest dillema I’ve ever faced in my life. I swear to you this is the honest truth.

I was well aware that the Delorean needs plutonium to operate, but I was kind of in a bind. I was stuck in the year 2006 and didn’t have the funds to purchase plutonium. As a last ditch effort, I ordered a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk over the internet and poured it into the Mr. Fusion. Low and behold, it worked! The flux capacitor began glowing brightly and the engine started on its own! I successfully travelled back to 1985. Simply remarkable. And now the Delorean only needs to get up to 33 mph in order to time travel. This makes time travel easy as pie, even in dense residential areas.

Thanks Tuscan Whole Milk!

K. Prewitt:

As I lay quiet behind my veil of shadow, I saw him. He-who-must-not-be-named. We’ll call him “Gus, the milkman.” Gus, the milkman, step slowly out of his vehicle, grabbed a large metal container from the storage comparment. The metal box was black, shiny and seemed heavy. As he walked up to my door, he carefully set down the box. It rattled a bit after he took two steps back — as if it were possessed. And then it happened…

…the box opened itself and a blinding light was strewn forth. The sun grew dark with envy and the wind stopped completely. The milk jug leapt from it’s hindrance and spoke. “Zeus has sent Tuscan milk,” it began, “so that all men may know the wisdom of the afterlife.”

I didn’t know what to do next. My legs were numb with fear, my eyes bugged out from their sockets, my jaw dragged on the cement. And then I knew. I knew what I must do. I lunged from my hiding spot and grasped the Achilles’ handle of the milk gallon. It forcefully struggled, blowing its top. And in that amazing moment, drops of the nectar of the gods slipped into my mouth and…


I will never divulge what of it I saw, but will only say to those wanting to buy this milk: be sure you know what you want in life. Immortality is not granted from this milk, nor from anything in this world. But this milk is not for the feeble-minded. Are you ready for ultimate knowledge beyond this existence? If so, buy this milk and dare to drink it.

Derek Z.:

I ordered a gallon of Tuscan Whole last month and customs intercepted it. My supplier was kind enough to send another one at no cost. This one made it through. Here’s what happened that night.

—Trip Report—

Dose [10:00pm]: Insufflated 12 fl oz. Tried using a rolled up dollar bill at first. Was very difficult. Switched to bendable straw and worked like a charm.

Onset [10:02pm]: Slightly nauseous. Went outside to catch fresh air. Mild anxiety- am worried I have taken too much.

[10:15pm]: It’s definitely working. Nausea gone. Leaves and branches of trees very pronounced. Slight open-eyed visuals. When closing my eyes I get a sensation that I’m flying.

[11:00pm]: Can no longer walk straight. Laying in yard. Chewing on grass.(excerpt from journal) Tuscany. Wher’s the beef? Cant finnd it mooo. hindoosave me. magic resist cow king hide [something illegible]

[Midnight] At this point I was blacked out and my trip had gone bad. It felt like 1000 years had passed, and I was looking at myself in a gritty factory where everyone was tied to machines that pumped milk/blood from the nipples of everyone there. A Hindu warden is standing over me saying, “Nice and easy, Tuscan Whole Milk!” while grinning a dubious grin. It felt as though this lasted an eternity.

[2:00am] Coming down. Very shaky. Can still taste the Tuscan Whole in the back of my throat. Did I just catch a glimpse of the future?

—End Report—

The next morning I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. I’m not sure how, but there was a cowbell under my pillow when I awoke.. This has been the scariest/most enlightening experience I have ever had. It will be a long time before I try Tuscan Whole Milk again. Perhaps I’m only ready for 2%..

KHAAAN “Lord Xenu”:

what happen?
somebody set up us the milk!
we get signal
main tuscan turn milk
its you!
how are you gentlemen?
You are on the way to destruction!
what milk say?
you have no chance to survive make your $3.99
take off every “gallon” you know what you are drinking
move “Tuscan whole milk, 1 gallon, 128 fl oz”
for great justice

Cheese Chimp:

At first taste, this milk may seem to many to be the most heveanly beverage around, but don’t be fooled. At great risk to my own personal health, I am here to warn you about the dark secret of this milk. Do not be fooled, fair citizens, this is not milk at all. This milk IS PEOPLE. that’s right, it’s all the peace protesters that Bush wrangled up, and liquified. “Why, then,” you ask, “is it white? I’d imagine that ground human would be red or pinkish.” well the answer to your question is: Bleach. That’s right, not only are you drinking people, but you’re drinking bleach and people. bleached people.

[Thanks, Id.]

  2 comments for “Tuscan Whole Milk

  1. bigwig
    1 August 2006 at 22:12

    where did you find this? you should submit to digg. Hilarious.

  2. 2 August 2006 at 04:01

    One of my friends just forwarded the link from Amazon.com. I just picked out the ones I thought were the funniest. There were over 200 reviews of this milk when I looked at the site yesterday!

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