Avoid BloodRayne (Please)

Not even the possibility of seeing a hot (Kristanna Loken is not all that) half-vampire woman kicking ass will make me go see the BloodRayne film. Please do not see it or else it will encourage Uwe Boll to commit even more atrocities. I beg this of my small audience. If you have such horrendous taste in films that you would actually subject yourself to the train wreck that is BloodRayne, at least don’t see it at the cinema. Use some other means of seeing it. Wait for the DVD. The cinema for BloodRayne would be a total waste money, which you could put towards, I don’t know — buying a cheap used copy of the BloodRayne video game. The play experience would be a damn sight better than the film experience, I’m sure. I like vampires and the vampire mythos, but not enough to see an Uwe Boll film.

I have no idea how Boll gets his hands on all these video game properties, but the guy is a pox on the video-game-to-film adaptation business. It’s true that we don’t have many great adapations to start with, but Boll isn’t doing any good, either. And it’s only getting worse. There currently five more video game films that Boll is slated to direct!

I’m going to see Underworld Evolution for my dose of hot lady vampire (Mm, Kate Beckinsale with fangs…) ass-kicking action. I encourage you to think about doing the same. Underworld is not related to video games, although White Wolf, publishers of the horror/supernatural-themed World of Darkness (table-top and LARP) gaming creations, tried to sue Sony Pictures for copyright infringement. As I recall, White Wolf were not successful.

I liked the first Underworld film, so I hope the sequel will be all right. It’s not high art, admittedly, but could be entertaining. At the very least, I know I won’t be cringing in pain whilst watching Underworld Evolution.

  5 comments for “Avoid BloodRayne (Please)

  1. 9 January 2006 at 09:24

    Anyone feeling the desperate urge to see Lokken in anything could just settle for the assumingly far more watchable Terminator 3.

    It’s definately the worst of the three, but it wasn’t bad.

    I watched House of the Dead a little bit back and Owe is definately one of the worst directors of all time. And I watch Saturday SciFi B-Movies on a regular basis.

  2. 9 January 2006 at 11:21

    From what I understand, there’s a German tax loophole that makes Boll’s movies a corporate shelter. Something like that. It’s pretty unbelievable. HotD was funny because it got worse no matter how many times you said “this can’t possibly get any worse.”

    Also, it had a terrible time-to-breast rating, which is much like the OMM time-to-crate system, but for crappy horror movies. Bare female chest in the first 30 seconds? You knew it was going to be bad after that.

    Was UE any good? I though the first Underworld was pretty laughably bad. Maybe I was just disappointed because the vampire-werewolf was underwhelming.

  3. 9 January 2006 at 12:34

    Josh: Terminator 2 has a special place in my heart. I love that film. T3 — not that good, but you’re right: probably much better than BloodRayne.

    Thomas: Underworld Evolution comes out in a couple of weeks. I’ll let you know.

    In Underworld the werewolves, except for the leader, were cardboard cutouts, as were most of the vampires. Having said that, the little backstabbing and politicking that we saw amongst the vampires was pure World of Darkness, which made me happy.

    The entire reason for the (global?) war was stupid. At least in the World of Darkness, the relationship between werewolves and vampires is explained as a struggle among corruption/darkness/”evil” (vampires/Kindred and other baddies) and keeping Gaia (Nature) safe (werewolves/Garou) and technology/progress (most of humanity).

    It would have been nice to see Selene in a non-world-changing adventure, a prequel perhaps. An adventure when she is in her own element and not so much a rebel against her peers.

  4. 9 January 2006 at 12:35

    Oh, and as one of my friends said, Corwin was a prop. He sucked. Didn’t like him or his stupid powers at all.

  5. 9 January 2006 at 13:13

    Oops, I guess I thought the movie was out already. Fair enough.

    See, because now you’ve brought up WoD, so I’ll have to at least Netflix it.

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